First things first, Thank you to those who are still reading my silly nothings that are recorded in this place. I love getting messages from you saying “ you feel me”. Have no worries for I will be home in about 80 days to pop open a bottle of red and tell you face to face. And to those who continue to read my blog yet find me “absurd” I am glad you didn’t expect less from me… you know too well that I am more dramtic then this blog reveals me to be. (cough.cough. William…cough)
My new years resolutions are going well… I am trying to improve my Italian and it is slowly progressing… but this is such a difficult language… not so much the pronunciation… but rather… the meaning behind this new vocabulary that throws me for a loop….it will just take time. I plan to keep attempting to better myself at this language even after I leave the country…. Who knows when it will come in handy…
Now, I have been going back and forth about writing this next entry. I will sit down at the computer, my head filled with things to mention, then I get side tracked and figure it is a bad idea to mention anything about my love life. But it seems that when I speak to my friends back home they tend to automatically ask if there is any one special over here with me. Just now I am able to say with confidence that, indeed, there is a romance. If you are an adequate facebook stalker then to you this may be old news. But even to me this is a relatively new development. It has caught me off guard and changes from day to day. I have mentioned him before in my last entry, however, then it was just mentioned in passing as a side note that I am sure was quickly forgotten. Well Stef has passed from being an insignificant detail to a person I could rearrange a few life plans to stay here with…stay here for. I find him to be one of the most unique persons I have ever come across. And I love strange interesting people….any one who lives outside of the box is automatically my friend whether they wish to be or not….. possibly because I envy them, that I strive to be like them is why they peak my interest so much. However, do not misread and think that Stef is a strange one…. From the outside you might actually think that is quite normal and dull, maybe. Kind of how I picture all Italian men…. Talk a lot of game… but really do not have anything to show for it.
I am not quite sure how to explain all this with out you misunderstanding how impressive this guy really is to me…. Even now, I find my self caught off guard at times… and I will stand back and think to my self how unobtainable he really is…. I can only wish to have the type of life he has had…. All the amazing places he has lived… LIVED not just visited… cause that’s an entirely different story that I have yet to hear the end of… every time I mention a place I want to visit… he will voice his thoughts of the place when he was there….India, for example…(he never hears the end of that one…since India and Thailand are top on my list) But this is not something he shoves in your face….all the adventures he has…. I have to fish them out of him… when he was younger (for he is a few years older than I am) he wanted to live life… much like the mentality I have now… except he had no fear…. When he wanted to pack up and live some where new… that’s what he did…. Whether he had the means or not…. he found a way to have the adventures we all wish to have but willed them to happen…. That drives me crazy…. If I can do whatever I set my mind to do….why cant I just pick up and move to Thailand… what is holding me back? Any way…. I am sure that if I would have met him when he were younger I would have been attracted to him but sensed that his thirst for life was too strong that I could not have given him anything that he wished to have….maybe…. I have met him at a rather strange point in his life… for him at least…. His adventurous side is being over thrown by his um… serious side…maybe…I cant really find a word for it…. He has finally come home to Italy…to his small picturesque town in Italy… where every one knows him to be this wild audacious adventure seeking kid…. And now he has settled down and found himself in a 9 to 5 job, respectively… that he doesn’t like…. His heart is yelling out to him to move and have more adventures…. But his head tells him that he must start being an adult at some point, right? This hurts me for him…. Why do any of us have to grow up? Who got to decide what is a respectable life and what is not? He should be shot down dead….
However…this is how I have found him… like a wild animal becoming comfortable inside it’s habitat-decorated cage…. Sad, right?.....i know.
Sorry that was a bit melodramatic…
Stef is not a sad person… at all…. One of the happiest outgoing people out there. And I am crazy for him. We are both very happy people. Always content with whatever…. And when we can experience that “whatever” together…. Then our happiness is sky rocketed to outrageousness… well at least that is how it is for me…. He is not the centre of my universe…which is so nice… last time I felt this strong for some one… they became my world… and my world came to an end when we ended…. But with Stef we more or less complement each other… for example… last weekend I spent time with him and his friends in Turin. We all went out for cocktail hour and then to dinner… and I was not burdened with thoughts of him , thoughts of kissing him, thoughts of trying to find alone time with him, thoughts that just involved the two of us, etc (I am sure you understand what I am trying to say…sometimes when you have found some one special you just want to lock out the rest of the world)… I was surrounded by his support which made it easier for me to try and speak Italian. I was not focused on him… I would talk to his/our friends and joke with them… but I knew he was there… but I was not wrapped up in him… I was enjoying my time with everyone there… not just him…. But I felt comforted by his presence…. Cause I get quite nervous in large groups of people all speaking Italian…. He doesn’t make me nervous… quite the opposite… he makes me quite calm….
I was speaking with my mom the other day about him. Yes, I tell my mom everything…skipping a few details, of course. But who else can I tell everything to and get an adults’ view on the whole thing? Mom always throws me lots of food for thought. I told her that Stef is a special guy for me… that I am not sure if it is love right now… but the potential is there… and she comes back at me and says…. “well sarah, you have a tendency to fall in love with love so watch your self there.” And I said that it might be a possibility that I could stay in Italy to be with him… of course utilizing my newly acquired voice of reason that I had no clue how I could make that work… due to not having a job which means no money… finding a university, a place to live, a visa…ect…it would probably be much too much trouble to actually accomplish…plus I don’t like this country so much, but that is another thing. And she says, “Yes all good points and I am glad you realise the responsibility you would be taking on, but can you see yourself 5 years from now? And are you with him?” and I say something like… who looks that far in the future… who knows where they will be in 5 years…. And she says, “Then you are not ready.”
Is it really that simple? Why cant I just I just go with the flow and see if I eventually see myself in 5 years and if I see myself with him in 5 years? I am sure that I can see my self in 1 year… and I can see my self still having these feelings for Stef… but what about a year after that? I am obviously not thinking like an adult yet…who cares!?
Another thing, I have never liked the seriousness about relationships… in the past it seems to have always gotten me in trouble when I wasn’t serious enough or too serious… why cant we just stay friends and lovers at the same time? It is like once the relationship has passed the point of no return… it is all about “I love you” and all that. Why cant there be a balance between the two? If there is… then I have never experienced it…. I either get too serious or the guy gets too serious…. Why cant we just relax and take it easy? I guess that is my wish for Stefano and myself. There is a time to be serious and the rest should be explosions of fun. Hopefully, by declaring this wish it will come true. I want so much out of our relationship…and if it takes a serious turn, I hope that it only means we are serious about making it work…. And that’s it….
So my romantic side has come out of hibernation with this guy. Its funny and I find my self saying some of the stupidest things that before I would have gagged at the mention. But these words seems to just come out of me like I have been practicing lines and now it is show time or something…they come out so naturally some times with out much thought. I told one of my girlfriends back home and she thought that is was funny… I always rolled my eyes when ever she use to tell me about her relationship…. And now I am the one who is love struck…. What has become of me? Haha
In short, Stefano has made a part of my heart come alive that I thought was long dead. He makes me laugh, and smile on the inside…. This could be nothing…but I am willing to give it a try. That’s why I have been considering the possibility of coming back to live in Italy for awhile. Why should I give up just because I have to go back to the states? I think it would be fun and reckless to stay here and see if this really is something worth while….Dont you? Or should I leave it as it is…. A romance for my last few months and then return to the states with a new hope that I can really find love I just have to be patient…. I guess it is up to him, really… we haven’t talked about me staying seriously but I know that this discussion is coming and I hope that he has prepared him self with his answer.
Another thing about Stef that has been bugging me is that he just recently got out of a 5 year relationship…not sure how recent the break was but whenever anyone has been in a relationship for that long when is it never a “recent” break up? Since we have been friends I have known him to have had a few rebound girls …back in August when we first met and we were just friends I use to give him girl advice and would root for him to go after a girl…I think that is funny now that I think back on it…. cause when we first met I was more or less seeing a friend of his….but again, that is another story. I trust Stefano not to hurt me, but how can he know how he feels for me if he is still recovering from his past relationship… is he just looking for love in every place he can find it? I know how that feels… so I can understand… but if that is all this is then I could never remain in Italy for him…. And I am not sure I could remain as committed to him as I have been. I haven’t asked him these things? And I am not sure if I should bring them up. I care for him but I have to protect myself at the same time….In life we are lucky to get a few great romances… I think Stef could be one for me, but I am not sure I trust him to know himself so recently after the break up…. But maybe he will surprise me. I don’t know. I don’t really stress out over it. I think of it this way, if it ends badly I can just put an ocean between us… that always heals a lot of the pain. These are the only doubts I have about us. Everything else is fine, more than fine.
To quote Jason Mraz, “ And it takes no time to fall in love, but it can take you years to know what love is.”
Maybe this has taken a serious turn with out my permission…
Feed back?
1 comment:
WOW!
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