First things first, Thank you to those who are still reading my silly nothings that are recorded in this place. I love getting messages from you saying “ you feel me”. Have no worries for I will be home in about 80 days to pop open a bottle of red and tell you face to face. And to those who continue to read my blog yet find me “absurd” I am glad you didn’t expect less from me… you know too well that I am more dramtic then this blog reveals me to be. (cough.cough. William…cough)
My new years resolutions are going well… I am trying to improve my Italian and it is slowly progressing… but this is such a difficult language… not so much the pronunciation… but rather… the meaning behind this new vocabulary that throws me for a loop….it will just take time. I plan to keep attempting to better myself at this language even after I leave the country…. Who knows when it will come in handy…
Now, I have been going back and forth about writing this next entry. I will sit down at the computer, my head filled with things to mention, then I get side tracked and figure it is a bad idea to mention anything about my love life. But it seems that when I speak to my friends back home they tend to automatically ask if there is any one special over here with me. Just now I am able to say with confidence that, indeed, there is a romance. If you are an adequate facebook stalker then to you this may be old news. But even to me this is a relatively new development. It has caught me off guard and changes from day to day. I have mentioned him before in my last entry, however, then it was just mentioned in passing as a side note that I am sure was quickly forgotten. Well Stef has passed from being an insignificant detail to a person I could rearrange a few life plans to stay here with…stay here for. I find him to be one of the most unique persons I have ever come across. And I love strange interesting people….any one who lives outside of the box is automatically my friend whether they wish to be or not….. possibly because I envy them, that I strive to be like them is why they peak my interest so much. However, do not misread and think that Stef is a strange one…. From the outside you might actually think that is quite normal and dull, maybe. Kind of how I picture all Italian men…. Talk a lot of game… but really do not have anything to show for it.
I am not quite sure how to explain all this with out you misunderstanding how impressive this guy really is to me…. Even now, I find my self caught off guard at times… and I will stand back and think to my self how unobtainable he really is…. I can only wish to have the type of life he has had…. All the amazing places he has lived… LIVED not just visited… cause that’s an entirely different story that I have yet to hear the end of… every time I mention a place I want to visit… he will voice his thoughts of the place when he was there….India, for example…(he never hears the end of that one…since India and Thailand are top on my list) But this is not something he shoves in your face….all the adventures he has…. I have to fish them out of him… when he was younger (for he is a few years older than I am) he wanted to live life… much like the mentality I have now… except he had no fear…. When he wanted to pack up and live some where new… that’s what he did…. Whether he had the means or not…. he found a way to have the adventures we all wish to have but willed them to happen…. That drives me crazy…. If I can do whatever I set my mind to do….why cant I just pick up and move to Thailand… what is holding me back? Any way…. I am sure that if I would have met him when he were younger I would have been attracted to him but sensed that his thirst for life was too strong that I could not have given him anything that he wished to have….maybe…. I have met him at a rather strange point in his life… for him at least…. His adventurous side is being over thrown by his um… serious side…maybe…I cant really find a word for it…. He has finally come home to Italy…to his small picturesque town in Italy… where every one knows him to be this wild audacious adventure seeking kid…. And now he has settled down and found himself in a 9 to 5 job, respectively… that he doesn’t like…. His heart is yelling out to him to move and have more adventures…. But his head tells him that he must start being an adult at some point, right? This hurts me for him…. Why do any of us have to grow up? Who got to decide what is a respectable life and what is not? He should be shot down dead….
However…this is how I have found him… like a wild animal becoming comfortable inside it’s habitat-decorated cage…. Sad, right?.....i know.
Sorry that was a bit melodramatic…
Stef is not a sad person… at all…. One of the happiest outgoing people out there. And I am crazy for him. We are both very happy people. Always content with whatever…. And when we can experience that “whatever” together…. Then our happiness is sky rocketed to outrageousness… well at least that is how it is for me…. He is not the centre of my universe…which is so nice… last time I felt this strong for some one… they became my world… and my world came to an end when we ended…. But with Stef we more or less complement each other… for example… last weekend I spent time with him and his friends in Turin. We all went out for cocktail hour and then to dinner… and I was not burdened with thoughts of him , thoughts of kissing him, thoughts of trying to find alone time with him, thoughts that just involved the two of us, etc (I am sure you understand what I am trying to say…sometimes when you have found some one special you just want to lock out the rest of the world)… I was surrounded by his support which made it easier for me to try and speak Italian. I was not focused on him… I would talk to his/our friends and joke with them… but I knew he was there… but I was not wrapped up in him… I was enjoying my time with everyone there… not just him…. But I felt comforted by his presence…. Cause I get quite nervous in large groups of people all speaking Italian…. He doesn’t make me nervous… quite the opposite… he makes me quite calm….
I was speaking with my mom the other day about him. Yes, I tell my mom everything…skipping a few details, of course. But who else can I tell everything to and get an adults’ view on the whole thing? Mom always throws me lots of food for thought. I told her that Stef is a special guy for me… that I am not sure if it is love right now… but the potential is there… and she comes back at me and says…. “well sarah, you have a tendency to fall in love with love so watch your self there.” And I said that it might be a possibility that I could stay in Italy to be with him… of course utilizing my newly acquired voice of reason that I had no clue how I could make that work… due to not having a job which means no money… finding a university, a place to live, a visa…ect…it would probably be much too much trouble to actually accomplish…plus I don’t like this country so much, but that is another thing. And she says, “Yes all good points and I am glad you realise the responsibility you would be taking on, but can you see yourself 5 years from now? And are you with him?” and I say something like… who looks that far in the future… who knows where they will be in 5 years…. And she says, “Then you are not ready.”
Is it really that simple? Why cant I just I just go with the flow and see if I eventually see myself in 5 years and if I see myself with him in 5 years? I am sure that I can see my self in 1 year… and I can see my self still having these feelings for Stef… but what about a year after that? I am obviously not thinking like an adult yet…who cares!?
Another thing, I have never liked the seriousness about relationships… in the past it seems to have always gotten me in trouble when I wasn’t serious enough or too serious… why cant we just stay friends and lovers at the same time? It is like once the relationship has passed the point of no return… it is all about “I love you” and all that. Why cant there be a balance between the two? If there is… then I have never experienced it…. I either get too serious or the guy gets too serious…. Why cant we just relax and take it easy? I guess that is my wish for Stefano and myself. There is a time to be serious and the rest should be explosions of fun. Hopefully, by declaring this wish it will come true. I want so much out of our relationship…and if it takes a serious turn, I hope that it only means we are serious about making it work…. And that’s it….
So my romantic side has come out of hibernation with this guy. Its funny and I find my self saying some of the stupidest things that before I would have gagged at the mention. But these words seems to just come out of me like I have been practicing lines and now it is show time or something…they come out so naturally some times with out much thought. I told one of my girlfriends back home and she thought that is was funny… I always rolled my eyes when ever she use to tell me about her relationship…. And now I am the one who is love struck…. What has become of me? Haha
In short, Stefano has made a part of my heart come alive that I thought was long dead. He makes me laugh, and smile on the inside…. This could be nothing…but I am willing to give it a try. That’s why I have been considering the possibility of coming back to live in Italy for awhile. Why should I give up just because I have to go back to the states? I think it would be fun and reckless to stay here and see if this really is something worth while….Dont you? Or should I leave it as it is…. A romance for my last few months and then return to the states with a new hope that I can really find love I just have to be patient…. I guess it is up to him, really… we haven’t talked about me staying seriously but I know that this discussion is coming and I hope that he has prepared him self with his answer.
Another thing about Stef that has been bugging me is that he just recently got out of a 5 year relationship…not sure how recent the break was but whenever anyone has been in a relationship for that long when is it never a “recent” break up? Since we have been friends I have known him to have had a few rebound girls …back in August when we first met and we were just friends I use to give him girl advice and would root for him to go after a girl…I think that is funny now that I think back on it…. cause when we first met I was more or less seeing a friend of his….but again, that is another story. I trust Stefano not to hurt me, but how can he know how he feels for me if he is still recovering from his past relationship… is he just looking for love in every place he can find it? I know how that feels… so I can understand… but if that is all this is then I could never remain in Italy for him…. And I am not sure I could remain as committed to him as I have been. I haven’t asked him these things? And I am not sure if I should bring them up. I care for him but I have to protect myself at the same time….In life we are lucky to get a few great romances… I think Stef could be one for me, but I am not sure I trust him to know himself so recently after the break up…. But maybe he will surprise me. I don’t know. I don’t really stress out over it. I think of it this way, if it ends badly I can just put an ocean between us… that always heals a lot of the pain. These are the only doubts I have about us. Everything else is fine, more than fine.
To quote Jason Mraz, “ And it takes no time to fall in love, but it can take you years to know what love is.”
Maybe this has taken a serious turn with out my permission…
Feed back?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Random spread across a few days...
Sorry for the inconsistency.... but just go with it....Happy 2009!xxx
Today is the first day of 2009, the New Year. I have always been superstitious when it comes to celebrating the end of one and the beginning of another. Always start the year out with a bang and you will have a great year. Eat black eye peas for luck and health and collard greens for wealth. Southern Tradition. Last year for New Years I was in Atlanta with Rachel and we had a great time… of course we were drunk by…um… 830…. But still we partied the way you are supposing to during new years…. And that being an indication of what the year would bring… I never would have guessed that a year later I would have been in Italy at a grand dinner party surrounded by families and so lonely that my heart hurt and a frown plastered to my face. I wanted to be happy last night… but the melancholy of missing home was inevitable. To make things worse…. I was seated with the young couples side of the table…and also the stray married men who like to pretend they were still bachelors. I knew all of them… the young couple is very nice and I happen to like the female half very much… I believe she is a professional volleyball player…I think….but she was very quite through out the night and looked just as uncomfortable to be there as I was feeling. The worst part about sitting at that end of the table is the married men who think they can speak English and lay one of their pick up lines on me…. It’s like just because I am the only female between the ages of 14 to 30 I become free range to all the Italian men to lay it on thick. Another thing is that here in Italy it is not rude to comment on the bodies of females, so of course there came the muffled comments about my breast size….I wish these men would find something more interesting to talk about….this one is getting old and I am sure my fake laugh reveals that, but still even into the new year these Italian men are worried about the size of my 22 year old breasts…or lack there of! At least I know how to say fuck you in Italian, right?
And the guy that I have been seeing for the past few weeks did not call me at midnight!! I can not be upset by this because it is not serious or exclusive, but with the mood I was in, I wanted him to sweep in and take me away from that dreadful dinner, take me to some log cabin and have champagne waiting for me on a bear skin rug or something terribly textbook romantic…. ANYTHING but being at that dinner. His name is Stefano and he is great. Its not love but its good. And he is more of a friend than anything. He makes me laugh more than I can handle. He is the least Italian guy I have met since I have been here, thank god. He gives a good name to his race, because I have definitely met some rats while I have been here.
It’s pretty ridiculous how lonely I have been here lately. I am not sad, I mean I am sad that I am lonely but nothing like depression or anything. I am generally a very content person. I have a very consistent spectrum of emotions, but still it is never fun to be lonely and then unhappy about the fact. I miss my friends so much. I have friends here but I have never invested too much time in my relationships with them due to the fact I will only be in Italy for a short time. Stefano is one of my good friends here I would say. I met him in Sardinia over the summer. He lived in the house next to ours….I have invested time there because I have known him a bit longer than everyone else and plus his English is perfect, well almost. Marco is another friend I have invested time in. I really enjoy his company for some reason… but for months I have not been able to put my finger on why that is. His English is terrible. He speaks English the way I speak Italian… but we always speak in English. Actually for the 7 months I have known him his English has improved drastically. He wants to come in the states for a bit over the summer so many of you might get to meet him. But watch out because he is your stereotypical tricky Italian however many times he has tried to convince me otherwise he is just as tricky as the rest of them, but he is just nice about it. Giula is one of my only girl friends over here that I like. We have lots in common but she is much younger than I am…but back in the states I have a best friend who is much younger than I am and it seems to work…. She studies languages and she speaks German, English, Italian, and French fluently… she is very pretty and I am very impressed by her. Because she is so young are personalities clash at times… where she feels the need to impress others around her and be noticed, I have been through that and understand and it makes me feel awkward that I don’t care so much about what the people around me think…. I think its funny. However I don’t want to make her sound shallow, because she is not…or at least I do not know her to be. But my guy friends who have met her or who know her find her to be just that.
Females in Italy are significantly different then American girls…or at least this is what I have been told. Italian girls walk into a room and do not make the effort to make eye contact with any one in the room….everyone must make the effort to notice her….not the other way around. American girls, however, walk into the same room, and instantly makes eye contact and smiles at everyone and it is as if a spot light has been turned on. YES! The Americans have arrived! Haha…. I love this comparison of Italians vs. Americans…. I have tried to plead that it is only because I am from the South that I tend to smile at everyone. I have never noticed the difference. My male friends tell me about it and I have tried to observe this but I guess it takes years of research to come to such a conclusion. I just know that the Italian women here in Courma make me feel like a hobbit. I don’t get how they make themselves look so amazing when there is a blizzard outside while some of us are freezing to death and dealing with frost bite and lack of moisturizer…. Blows my mind, really! Sidenote: See, I told you I was feeling down. OH, self-pity..
But I love Courmayeur. It is one of the most perfect fairytale places I have ever seen. The houses here look like Hansel and Gretel’s gingerbread house, or Snow White and the 7 dwarves’ cottage, as you like. I have never seen such amounts of snow in my life… Every thing here is covered with a thick frosted layer of glistening snow. Its magical. I was out walking with Marco (he lives in Courma and is a Ski Master) and he told me once that when he is with me he remembers how special of a place Courma is….that I remind him of a kid. Thanks. Did I mention Marco is gorgeous? Well he is…
Anyway, I think this might be the reason I like Marco so much…out of jealousy that he gets to live here. “Its just not fair,” I have said to him on many occasion. Marco and Giula both live in Courma and I have known both of them since July, maybe. Giula shows me the social and party life of Courma and Marco shows me the mountains, stars, and soon to teach me to ski….. I know, right? Giula is always taking me to a new night club or out with friends for dinner. She can seem very shallow (in fact, Marco cant stand her) But I find her very interesting and I think she has so much potential! She is very pretty and speaks several languages already. She is smart, she quotes Oscar Wilde in English…. Also another reason I stay close friends with her is because Rachel and her share the same birthday and the same obsession over the Phoenix… they both have tattoos of a phoenix which bares the same meaning for both individuals…. Too parallel and I am too far away from Rachel to pass up this friendship….Is that wrong?
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Now on to Benedetta, Bebe as I call her. Literally my sister from another mother. I wasn’t a big sister growing up. I was the little sister that got everything I wanted while my big sister felt robbed of attention. There are many parallels between Marta and Bebe and Ivey and My self’s relationships. Well now, I have Bebe and she is as close to a little sister than I will ever have. And she is everything I have ever wanted in a little sister. She is stubborn yet loving. We talk about everything. Everything. She tells me about her boy troubles, school, likes and dislikes, what she wants to be when she grows up….etc. And I try to guide her the best way I know how and the best way I see fit. I don’t lie to her. She is old enough to want to know the truth so that is what she gets… of course I sugar coat it….things always sound better that way whether I am talking to a 13 year old or not…She asked me about the first time I fell in love the other day… and I was able to relive every emotion I had and explained it to her… and she wanted to know why it went wrong… and I relived that for her and explained the heartache and repercussions of the pain…. I hope she never has to deal with the amount of pain I went through after Jon and the bad decisions I kept making even a year and a half later after the break. She is a Libra like I am, which means she has so much love to give. But another thing about Libras is that they are in love with the idea of love, not so much the person. Kind of like reading a fairy tale or a romance novel and enjoy the falling in love part, the danger or excitement of it all….and then the day after? That’s when us Libras fall out of love…when it stops being new and exciting. I am crazy about this girl! She is so grown for her age. Are all older siblings like this? I am 22 and I still feel like a baby most of the time…. And Bebe is barely even treated like a child… I think I am treated more like a child than she is….. She is so tough. And she knows things that I don’t remember knowing at her age…. It shocks me at times… like the other day I heard her explaining to one of her friends what an orgasm was… okay okay... I KNOW I did not know what that was when I was 13…. NO WAY!! Maybe 15, but 13? I think I was still playing with Barbie, pretending to be a princess, and still in love with Hanson at her age…. Not wondering about orgasms and sex and whatever else that falls into that category… when I ask her why she knows that stuff… she just says, “It’s a different age now…everyone my age knows about this kind of stuff, I have friends who have had sex already.” WHAT!? This is something I can say in confidence, I have had “the sex talk” with Bebe and she seems to be well grounded in her decision to wait for the right one. And that is not something to throw away. She understands the significance.
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Okay so since I have been going on random tangents in this entry I guess I can give my thoughts on the upcoming year. My new years resolutions are always the same: Lose weight, get in shape, be nice to everyone….you know…. I think everyone always has the same ones….every year. And everyone always makes these promises to themselves half- heartedly. But this year I am going to attempt to make a list and hopefully will follow through. Hopefully.
In 2009 I aspire to accomplish the following:
Let myself fall in love- something I have not been able to do for too long, I feel my heart is getting ready to release all the bad luggage.
Maintain a healthy weight and healthy eating habits, healthy lifestyle- no more yo-yo diets. Its time to be healthy.
Train for a triathlon- this is a long shot, but why not aim high
Travel cross country with my dad- I really should write a whole entry on this and I just might but as of right now I shall leave it open.
When I go home in 4 months I want to be able to speak Italian
Make a decision one way or the other what degree I should attain- Conservation Biology, Public Relations, Journalism…..any suggestions? I want all 3!
Purchase my own car-also a long shot…
Help out with Habitat for Humanity every Saturday and as much as my dad lets me get involved.
Be Happy and Positive!
Start changing the world, even if it is a small gesture.
Going back to my first resolution on my list. I don’t want to fall in love and get married and all that but I want to prove to myself that I am not such a fool when it comes to love. I am ready to learn to be smart about love. But first of all I have to learn to love myself. I haven’t for a while. Always thinking I am not good enough and always thinking it will end before it even begins. And stop having such high expectations when I just get let down….always. Learn to love the person for who they are not who I want them to be. Learn to have more respect for myself. And love with out restrictions. Love everyone without conditions.
I want so much out of life! And I expect to achieve everything I set my mind to do. I have a really good guy friend back home who is so positive about life that I can’t help but take on his mentality about life. He tells me I can do whatever I put my mind to and I love him for believing in me. I use to think his way of thinking was perplexing and false. But he is so consistent each time I am fortunate enough to speak with him on the phone. We have not known each other too long actually. I think we started being friends a few weeks before I got on my flight to come over here. And he never was negative about me leaving. But always positive about the experiences I would have while I was over here. He is older than me but still young, but seems to be caught in the Thomasville mentality, as I like to call it. And I am sure with time I will have that mentality. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I am drawn to it and it would be so easy to turn off my adventurous side and settle down in Thomasville. But I know that later in life I would regret not living life to the fullest. There are so many places in the world I have to see before I start the ultimate adventure of starting my own family.
Adventure. One of my favorite words. Along with Discovery , and Immerse. All these words have high significance to me and are enchanting to me. I guess I could start this entry by defining each word from a textbook, then perhaps go on the give their individual significance to me. But I am sure that might be boring for you, lord knows it would be boring to me. But I am rather stuck when try to explain to you the type of life I wish to lead. Hmm….Lets see….. I love Disney movies and every time I watch one I tend to search the Behind the Scenes segment of the DVD to hear the animator’s enthusiasm about making the film. All these men are just like kids looking for their own adventure but not finding any up to par with their imaginations they must resort in story telling and the magic of animation to make their dreams come to life. I love watching their faces when they talk about their art. You can see that they truly believe that magic is out there some where…. It just needs to be discovered. One of my favorite stories is Peter Pan. I think you can tell a lot about the inner workings of a person if you just ask what their favorite Disney movie is…. Mine has wavered a bit as I grew older… Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, of course….but I believe ultimately…Peter Pan is my favorite. And I would like to believe it is not because of Tinker Bell, or envy of Wendy…. But the idea that there is magic in the world if we just believe. And that there is magic in the world if we only let out selves see it and have it. That is why in the story the adults can not see the magic because they have let the world poison their minds into thinking and stop believing. I am not too religious but there is a parallel between the story’s main point and a certain story in the Bible. Something about “Let the children come to me” sorry don’t have a Bible on hand so I cant really quote it, but in my memory I remember something about children being able to see the good in the world, being able to see the real magic in the world because they do not preoccupy their heads with worries or fear, well, fears of monsters under their beds maybe but not fears of if their crop is going to sprout this year. Side note: sorry for the reference if you are offended, just sorda popped in my head… so there you have it.
Today is the first day of 2009, the New Year. I have always been superstitious when it comes to celebrating the end of one and the beginning of another. Always start the year out with a bang and you will have a great year. Eat black eye peas for luck and health and collard greens for wealth. Southern Tradition. Last year for New Years I was in Atlanta with Rachel and we had a great time… of course we were drunk by…um… 830…. But still we partied the way you are supposing to during new years…. And that being an indication of what the year would bring… I never would have guessed that a year later I would have been in Italy at a grand dinner party surrounded by families and so lonely that my heart hurt and a frown plastered to my face. I wanted to be happy last night… but the melancholy of missing home was inevitable. To make things worse…. I was seated with the young couples side of the table…and also the stray married men who like to pretend they were still bachelors. I knew all of them… the young couple is very nice and I happen to like the female half very much… I believe she is a professional volleyball player…I think….but she was very quite through out the night and looked just as uncomfortable to be there as I was feeling. The worst part about sitting at that end of the table is the married men who think they can speak English and lay one of their pick up lines on me…. It’s like just because I am the only female between the ages of 14 to 30 I become free range to all the Italian men to lay it on thick. Another thing is that here in Italy it is not rude to comment on the bodies of females, so of course there came the muffled comments about my breast size….I wish these men would find something more interesting to talk about….this one is getting old and I am sure my fake laugh reveals that, but still even into the new year these Italian men are worried about the size of my 22 year old breasts…or lack there of! At least I know how to say fuck you in Italian, right?
And the guy that I have been seeing for the past few weeks did not call me at midnight!! I can not be upset by this because it is not serious or exclusive, but with the mood I was in, I wanted him to sweep in and take me away from that dreadful dinner, take me to some log cabin and have champagne waiting for me on a bear skin rug or something terribly textbook romantic…. ANYTHING but being at that dinner. His name is Stefano and he is great. Its not love but its good. And he is more of a friend than anything. He makes me laugh more than I can handle. He is the least Italian guy I have met since I have been here, thank god. He gives a good name to his race, because I have definitely met some rats while I have been here.
It’s pretty ridiculous how lonely I have been here lately. I am not sad, I mean I am sad that I am lonely but nothing like depression or anything. I am generally a very content person. I have a very consistent spectrum of emotions, but still it is never fun to be lonely and then unhappy about the fact. I miss my friends so much. I have friends here but I have never invested too much time in my relationships with them due to the fact I will only be in Italy for a short time. Stefano is one of my good friends here I would say. I met him in Sardinia over the summer. He lived in the house next to ours….I have invested time there because I have known him a bit longer than everyone else and plus his English is perfect, well almost. Marco is another friend I have invested time in. I really enjoy his company for some reason… but for months I have not been able to put my finger on why that is. His English is terrible. He speaks English the way I speak Italian… but we always speak in English. Actually for the 7 months I have known him his English has improved drastically. He wants to come in the states for a bit over the summer so many of you might get to meet him. But watch out because he is your stereotypical tricky Italian however many times he has tried to convince me otherwise he is just as tricky as the rest of them, but he is just nice about it. Giula is one of my only girl friends over here that I like. We have lots in common but she is much younger than I am…but back in the states I have a best friend who is much younger than I am and it seems to work…. She studies languages and she speaks German, English, Italian, and French fluently… she is very pretty and I am very impressed by her. Because she is so young are personalities clash at times… where she feels the need to impress others around her and be noticed, I have been through that and understand and it makes me feel awkward that I don’t care so much about what the people around me think…. I think its funny. However I don’t want to make her sound shallow, because she is not…or at least I do not know her to be. But my guy friends who have met her or who know her find her to be just that.
Females in Italy are significantly different then American girls…or at least this is what I have been told. Italian girls walk into a room and do not make the effort to make eye contact with any one in the room….everyone must make the effort to notice her….not the other way around. American girls, however, walk into the same room, and instantly makes eye contact and smiles at everyone and it is as if a spot light has been turned on. YES! The Americans have arrived! Haha…. I love this comparison of Italians vs. Americans…. I have tried to plead that it is only because I am from the South that I tend to smile at everyone. I have never noticed the difference. My male friends tell me about it and I have tried to observe this but I guess it takes years of research to come to such a conclusion. I just know that the Italian women here in Courma make me feel like a hobbit. I don’t get how they make themselves look so amazing when there is a blizzard outside while some of us are freezing to death and dealing with frost bite and lack of moisturizer…. Blows my mind, really! Sidenote: See, I told you I was feeling down. OH, self-pity..
But I love Courmayeur. It is one of the most perfect fairytale places I have ever seen. The houses here look like Hansel and Gretel’s gingerbread house, or Snow White and the 7 dwarves’ cottage, as you like. I have never seen such amounts of snow in my life… Every thing here is covered with a thick frosted layer of glistening snow. Its magical. I was out walking with Marco (he lives in Courma and is a Ski Master) and he told me once that when he is with me he remembers how special of a place Courma is….that I remind him of a kid. Thanks. Did I mention Marco is gorgeous? Well he is…
Anyway, I think this might be the reason I like Marco so much…out of jealousy that he gets to live here. “Its just not fair,” I have said to him on many occasion. Marco and Giula both live in Courma and I have known both of them since July, maybe. Giula shows me the social and party life of Courma and Marco shows me the mountains, stars, and soon to teach me to ski….. I know, right? Giula is always taking me to a new night club or out with friends for dinner. She can seem very shallow (in fact, Marco cant stand her) But I find her very interesting and I think she has so much potential! She is very pretty and speaks several languages already. She is smart, she quotes Oscar Wilde in English…. Also another reason I stay close friends with her is because Rachel and her share the same birthday and the same obsession over the Phoenix… they both have tattoos of a phoenix which bares the same meaning for both individuals…. Too parallel and I am too far away from Rachel to pass up this friendship….Is that wrong?
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Now on to Benedetta, Bebe as I call her. Literally my sister from another mother. I wasn’t a big sister growing up. I was the little sister that got everything I wanted while my big sister felt robbed of attention. There are many parallels between Marta and Bebe and Ivey and My self’s relationships. Well now, I have Bebe and she is as close to a little sister than I will ever have. And she is everything I have ever wanted in a little sister. She is stubborn yet loving. We talk about everything. Everything. She tells me about her boy troubles, school, likes and dislikes, what she wants to be when she grows up….etc. And I try to guide her the best way I know how and the best way I see fit. I don’t lie to her. She is old enough to want to know the truth so that is what she gets… of course I sugar coat it….things always sound better that way whether I am talking to a 13 year old or not…She asked me about the first time I fell in love the other day… and I was able to relive every emotion I had and explained it to her… and she wanted to know why it went wrong… and I relived that for her and explained the heartache and repercussions of the pain…. I hope she never has to deal with the amount of pain I went through after Jon and the bad decisions I kept making even a year and a half later after the break. She is a Libra like I am, which means she has so much love to give. But another thing about Libras is that they are in love with the idea of love, not so much the person. Kind of like reading a fairy tale or a romance novel and enjoy the falling in love part, the danger or excitement of it all….and then the day after? That’s when us Libras fall out of love…when it stops being new and exciting. I am crazy about this girl! She is so grown for her age. Are all older siblings like this? I am 22 and I still feel like a baby most of the time…. And Bebe is barely even treated like a child… I think I am treated more like a child than she is….. She is so tough. And she knows things that I don’t remember knowing at her age…. It shocks me at times… like the other day I heard her explaining to one of her friends what an orgasm was… okay okay... I KNOW I did not know what that was when I was 13…. NO WAY!! Maybe 15, but 13? I think I was still playing with Barbie, pretending to be a princess, and still in love with Hanson at her age…. Not wondering about orgasms and sex and whatever else that falls into that category… when I ask her why she knows that stuff… she just says, “It’s a different age now…everyone my age knows about this kind of stuff, I have friends who have had sex already.” WHAT!? This is something I can say in confidence, I have had “the sex talk” with Bebe and she seems to be well grounded in her decision to wait for the right one. And that is not something to throw away. She understands the significance.
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Okay so since I have been going on random tangents in this entry I guess I can give my thoughts on the upcoming year. My new years resolutions are always the same: Lose weight, get in shape, be nice to everyone….you know…. I think everyone always has the same ones….every year. And everyone always makes these promises to themselves half- heartedly. But this year I am going to attempt to make a list and hopefully will follow through. Hopefully.
In 2009 I aspire to accomplish the following:
Let myself fall in love- something I have not been able to do for too long, I feel my heart is getting ready to release all the bad luggage.
Maintain a healthy weight and healthy eating habits, healthy lifestyle- no more yo-yo diets. Its time to be healthy.
Train for a triathlon- this is a long shot, but why not aim high
Travel cross country with my dad- I really should write a whole entry on this and I just might but as of right now I shall leave it open.
When I go home in 4 months I want to be able to speak Italian
Make a decision one way or the other what degree I should attain- Conservation Biology, Public Relations, Journalism…..any suggestions? I want all 3!
Purchase my own car-also a long shot…
Help out with Habitat for Humanity every Saturday and as much as my dad lets me get involved.
Be Happy and Positive!
Start changing the world, even if it is a small gesture.
Going back to my first resolution on my list. I don’t want to fall in love and get married and all that but I want to prove to myself that I am not such a fool when it comes to love. I am ready to learn to be smart about love. But first of all I have to learn to love myself. I haven’t for a while. Always thinking I am not good enough and always thinking it will end before it even begins. And stop having such high expectations when I just get let down….always. Learn to love the person for who they are not who I want them to be. Learn to have more respect for myself. And love with out restrictions. Love everyone without conditions.
I want so much out of life! And I expect to achieve everything I set my mind to do. I have a really good guy friend back home who is so positive about life that I can’t help but take on his mentality about life. He tells me I can do whatever I put my mind to and I love him for believing in me. I use to think his way of thinking was perplexing and false. But he is so consistent each time I am fortunate enough to speak with him on the phone. We have not known each other too long actually. I think we started being friends a few weeks before I got on my flight to come over here. And he never was negative about me leaving. But always positive about the experiences I would have while I was over here. He is older than me but still young, but seems to be caught in the Thomasville mentality, as I like to call it. And I am sure with time I will have that mentality. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I am drawn to it and it would be so easy to turn off my adventurous side and settle down in Thomasville. But I know that later in life I would regret not living life to the fullest. There are so many places in the world I have to see before I start the ultimate adventure of starting my own family.
Adventure. One of my favorite words. Along with Discovery , and Immerse. All these words have high significance to me and are enchanting to me. I guess I could start this entry by defining each word from a textbook, then perhaps go on the give their individual significance to me. But I am sure that might be boring for you, lord knows it would be boring to me. But I am rather stuck when try to explain to you the type of life I wish to lead. Hmm….Lets see….. I love Disney movies and every time I watch one I tend to search the Behind the Scenes segment of the DVD to hear the animator’s enthusiasm about making the film. All these men are just like kids looking for their own adventure but not finding any up to par with their imaginations they must resort in story telling and the magic of animation to make their dreams come to life. I love watching their faces when they talk about their art. You can see that they truly believe that magic is out there some where…. It just needs to be discovered. One of my favorite stories is Peter Pan. I think you can tell a lot about the inner workings of a person if you just ask what their favorite Disney movie is…. Mine has wavered a bit as I grew older… Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, of course….but I believe ultimately…Peter Pan is my favorite. And I would like to believe it is not because of Tinker Bell, or envy of Wendy…. But the idea that there is magic in the world if we just believe. And that there is magic in the world if we only let out selves see it and have it. That is why in the story the adults can not see the magic because they have let the world poison their minds into thinking and stop believing. I am not too religious but there is a parallel between the story’s main point and a certain story in the Bible. Something about “Let the children come to me” sorry don’t have a Bible on hand so I cant really quote it, but in my memory I remember something about children being able to see the good in the world, being able to see the real magic in the world because they do not preoccupy their heads with worries or fear, well, fears of monsters under their beds maybe but not fears of if their crop is going to sprout this year. Side note: sorry for the reference if you are offended, just sorda popped in my head… so there you have it.
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