I don't know how to say this.

I realise that I just posted a blog minutes ago. But please feel no pity for me. I actually would rather not speak about any of this. I am not okay right now, but I will be with some time. I will be okay. I promise. I am pulled in many directions right now. Part of me is not allowing me to be sad or mournful because life continues and because he is not out of my life and that under other conditions we would be together... but we cant change what is. Even if I do go to Uni in London, I will still not be with him, sharing with him. I realised this past weekend that I do not fit in his world and probally never will fit unless I changed myself, changed who I really am. Which, in theory, is something I wish never to do for anyone or anything... I wish to better myself and grow but not become a person I am not meant to be. And I wish the same for him. I can not ask him to change who he is to fit inside my world...and I dont even know what my world is yet and I cant ask him to wait while I figure it all out. I need to grow as an individual and that would be impossible if I felt like a part of me was in Italy.
Another direction I am being pulled is to freak out...I have left a piece of my heart with him. I have so many questions beating against my brain that it is effecting me physically....my insides hurt. When we were driving back to Gallarate last night I thought I might bust. Thank god my mother happened to call and made my mind think about other things rather than the present hole growing inside of me, pulsing. If she had not called I might have started asking the questions and pounding him with what-ifs and what-abouts and other questions that he doesnt have the answers to. And questions that would not have fixed the complications of our sad sad situation. I guess something that comforts me is that this is just as hard for him as it is for me. We both wanted a life together... We were forcing ourselves to move forward. And then reality caught up... we pushed it away... but here it is... I leave in 28 days, now...to quote him, "its too heavy, too hard, too far..." I am having all the physical reactions that come with break ups.... but I know there is no need to have these reactions... I will only allow myself one day of these reactions and then I will move on and live. Live with the knowledge that I will not be spending my life with him.
Another direction I am going... possibly... is false hope....i have to hope that time will only tell... I have to hope that we wont be able to be away from each other... but I know that we will both survive... this wont kill either of us. This is the direction I hate the most... I wish my mind would not even give me this option.... this is the option that will hurt the most later on... this option has a last effect.... I dont want false hope... if this is over, than let it be over....but my mind always rejects that part of breaking up.... if thats what you can call what has happened.
I am being honest when I said I have not cried... I have so many tears and I can feel them wanting to be cried... but I swallow them down. No one has died... nothing tragic has occured... and my life will continue....
I will always be able to think back to my time here in Italy with him and be able to smile. I have to think of this as closing a chapter in a book...
I loved him and he has been the one for me... in some other life.
I will be okay.

Its Over...

I have tears to cry but I cant allow myself to shed them because that would mean I am sad. But I cant be sad, not yet. He will always be with me. I am not losing him. I have loved him and he has loved me. It cant really be over, can it?
Only time will tell.